Encyclopedia of a Black Mocking Trush or: "The Loo Of Love"

i am wondering: if you would have the chance to change the past, without your action having an effect on presents or future, would you do it? or would you see it as a waste of time considering your real reality, witch is not the reality you would be in in that very momant as you change the past, witch would make your reality not the presents but past, and you future wouldn´t be affected anyways?
would there be any sense in changing the past when its not makeing a change?
because really, is life more than just a pile of moments you life in? everything you do will have an effect on you future, since it has an effect on yoursef and the ones around you. fact.
but even with all planing future, you will always be wrong trying to consider the reaction or exact happenings. you might be close, but never exact.
also, what is you past really worth?
the past is what will hunt you and make you the person you are, yet, if you cant forget or mentally change things that have happened and now affect you, then your presents, so to speak you moment is basically ruined.
so what to do?
focusing on the now to forget, or ignore something that is very present within your mentality, propably for a reason, since why else would it be there?
or thinking about the reason that causes your moment to be a not so happy experience, though, it would mean spending your presents and future with the past?

also, i am wondering about a whole different thing:
what the fuck is up with me? Oo i am like, all like... psychologicalshitheaded right now Oo
maybe there has been something in the muffins i ate - but i baked them, so i guess i kinda know what was in there Oo
i am having a hell of a migrena, and i usually never have anything alike that Oo fucking weather.

i feel like wiriting, but not like communicating, witch is quite a paradoxon, if you know what i mean.
urgh, imma go having a shower and then - sleeping, maybe. :p

love ya and miss ya!
xoxo"

hyvä päivä rakastavaiset! 
isnt that a sweet word, rakastavaiset? i just learned it a few days ago and i love it. if i remember right what old motel-lady told me, its something along the lines of sweethears/lovebirds or anything alike that ^^* i am way too jetlagged to be able to think gg

ive spended 5 beautiful days in los angeles, but i really got whiney after those days because it was nie wether, around -i guess- 15°C or something.  i hadent had my waveboard with me, so i really just pulled the tourists stuff threw.
la is amazing. it´s nice but windy, the buildings are so sweet and i just love it.
i still havent found my cams lol
oh, and there are douzends of starbucks, the shit! :D i basically lived offa coffee!

after five days we already had to leave since our flights and the hotel and all were booked - TO HELSINKI!
i love suomi, i do, by heart.
:D america is nice and all, very amazing and sometimes a bit... huge, thinking back to new york (that we, btw, left later than planned, we just decide to stay a bit longer :p)

that makes a total of 2 flights! two times flying, i hate it lol.
at first we flew to la.
partly a reason we stayed longer in ny is because i am a puss - but i also went a second time over to jersey. mount clair (i think thats how it is written, dunno for sure though lol) is so beutiful! its totally sweet :D i was at a museum for art there and i am so amazed, i got that crazy indio-style scarf, hah, i am such a girl XD
okay, anyways, uhm, we were in newark again, pretty fucked but a must see for anyone who is interested in... well, lats leave that out XD 

okay, so anyways, where was i ? few, shaving a total flash right now :)
okay, so, la, right! we basically just ran around threw town all the time XD
its fucking expensive there, jeeze! 

and then, after five beautiful days that killed my feet XD we had another flight to hit! but this time it was a lot less claustrophobical for me because i bought that sweet little dictionary in la, a finnishdic. lol and i read it all the way over to helsinki :D 
you know, yust to make sure i actually know at least a little bit what i am talking, hence the fact christian can speak english and latin, but definitly no single word finnish. lol
i tought him how to say "hello, how can i get to the hotel" and "i am lost, please return me to the closest asylum" XD haha! 
sounded quite good - after hours of flying lol
okay, so, what? yeah, okay. <- hype lol
have you seen the trainstation? the helsingin rautatieasema? its beautiful! hah, im a dork, i know i know :)
i LOVE IT HERE! i am like "lets stay forever!" and i mean it.
its fucking cold, and its snowing :D its so beautiful, i am so. wah, just no words XD
we are an hours ahead of germany and austria over here, but a friend promised to gimme a call when the next jungleking has been voted lol
i missed all of it, but she kept me up to date XD i dont care really much, but its so much fun hearing about all those crazy people where you basically have no idea who they are lol.
i am here since the 15th already, and i am sad to the bone (LOL!) knowing that we have to leave in 4 days.
i am so very excited for monday. why? because i am a little fangirl XD 
on monday i will go to aikuisten lelukauppa!!
hehehe, i guess deary ene knows what that is, right? harr.
i simply told christian "you know, we have a very importend place to visit on monday. the sexshop." lol thats so funny XD 
*claps hands* is it true that there are several other sexshops in the same street? lol i have to belive in my supernatural power to notice a heartagram from miles away XD i am like a human heartagram radar lol

i love finland, i love helsinki and vallila, and i love you sweethearts!
i miss u so much, really, honesty wish you were here with me :)
stay crazy and dont let the cold weather (it is still as cold in germany as it is here, right? thats what i got told) get you down.
i have an incoming call, so i need to go (and than have a nice, long nap :) )
näkemiin my lovelies!

xoxo"

HAPPY BIRTHDAY NEON-EYE!
21 years ago the world got so much better because of you :)

i´m currently at work, like always.
my old people are sleeping and rottening away right behind my back and there is nothing i can do but trying to make their last days a bit more confortable.

it´s cold now, we almost can´t go out with the olds anymore.
the strrets are iced and so it´s dangerouse, and the weather, the cold wind, i personally would go out with em, but i am not allowed.

i´m haveing silently music running and it really makes me sentimental.
i wanna write more often again. i miss it.

yesturday, i wasen´t working, and one of the lovely old men died.
frank belscher. he went out every morning getting the newspaper for his roommate.
i´m going to miss the old fart.
he died because of an heart attack, i just heared the news a few hours ago.

we are going to get a new person next monday. i´m not sure if i´ll be there.
i hate it when we get new people.
on my very first day we got an old lady, she was yelling and crying and wanted to go home to her husband.
but her husband had died a week previously and she was senile.
it was so sad.
she still talks to him or asks where she is, where he is, what has happened.
sometimes i tell her about the death of her husband, sometimes i tell her that he is shopping.
sometimes i have no answer and i will just change the toppic...

in the room behind me live two elder weman.
one lost her whole family years ago.
her doughter drowned when she was 5, her son died in a car accident.
her husband -- she never talks about him, i don´t know.

she shares the room with another nice lady.
she gets a few visits every month, se is always so happy.
her grandson comes to see her.
i dunno about any other relatives... he is the only one. ever.

there is so much life in this building, so many stories to be told, so many things to do...
so much, that will never be said, never be done, wasted away...


i´m very tired now, maybe i can get a few minutes sleep later.
there is a 'silent hour' in witch usually nothing is going to happen.
i might try sleep that hour threw.

i have a sign hanging from my neck saying 'bitte nicht wecken' lol, thats where the title is comeing from.
okay, i´m actually not sleeping, but i definitly don´t feel awake.

it´s so fucking sad here.
the wind is knocking on the windows and you can hear every smallest noise, every step, the surring noise of the light...

i like nights like those. it doesen´t happen so often that i feel like this while being here, so i try to make the best out of it and tell myself this feeling is there for some reason...

maybe i´m just overtired.

i never wrote about my job before, did i?
okay, i´ll stop writeing now. need some happy music :)

love ya!
xoxo"

Since it is the 19th, i want to take the opportunity to write you this message.
I really hope you already do know all this, buti want to write it down anyways.

Thank you for having been there with me all this long days, such a long time.
I promise that i will always be there for you, giving you a shoulder to lean on, a hand to hold on to.
You once asked me what i like best about myself and i now know the answer for sure. The best thing about me is that i got you deep within my heart.
You show me so many feelings in completely new perspectives, it amazes me every day, every time.
Maybe one day our lives will chance and distance will become the bitter truth.
Maybe one day we are going to be strangers again.
Belive me, i will never forget you, keep looking for you in the sea of people that may seperate us.
I want to give the world to you.
Just please, promise me one thing.
Never forget what a wonderful, special and graceful person you are.

Sincerely...

so much time has passed since i last wrote in here, though, i really enjoy spending time writeing with you and being able to talk about everything and nothing all at once, getting my mind off of reality and always having the guarante that i will smile, just because of you.

yet, there is only one thing that i have to say, the only thing i think is importened right now, because from there on i can build up more ideas and be at peace with the world as i see it.

this is for whoever you are, whoever you want to be, and whoever you are going to be in the future.


in the entire history of the universe, happenings always repeated.
war after war, lovestory after lovestory, live after live.
but there is, was, and is going to be only one ´you´.
noone is ever going to be able to see and feel the world like you do, and only you can tell what it looks.
you should never be afraid to speak up for your world.
it might be so special and different, that it changes the eyes of everyone...


xoxo"

***Dear Porno_Pete,
we should have each other to tea, huh?***

such a nice little kitty and frank, how come we never met so far? it´s weird, like a wall, like something is always getting in the way. (apart of frank, that is)
so, you wanna have a tea or three? eventough, i prefer coffee XD
but it´s a nice link to the kittenears you wore yesturday ;)
yes, i saw the pictures! and yes, you can kick k.g.´s ass if you want to XD
sorry i didn´t came to the con, i was... let´s put it that way: busy. XD
i guess you know the story already, i feel like a fucking soap-opera star of some kind lol.
hm... well, anyways.
how have you been doing?
text me when you got time to!

xoxo.

sorry that i did not answer. don´t get me wrong, i love writeing with you.

feral: i wish i could do anything to help you, but i am kinda in exactly the same situation right now. just... hang on :/

em, sorftballie: i am not sure if you gonna read this, but i will give it a try anyways: keep on writeing, i am so happy to read about what is going on and read your stories. i am sorry that i haven´t commented yet, i just... i can´t right now. im sorry.

and neon eye: i cant remember if i answered already or not. propably not. im sorry.


@all: i will propably not write for about one or two weeks, neither will i comment on any personal entries. all i do those days is (internetvise) hang around the valo daily. i am sorry, but if you really need anything you can leave me a comment here, i am prositiv there is nothing you can need me for, but in case i am wrong, well, you know where the keybord is.
i have a few problems that will keep me away the next time, but i get mail notifications, so blah. whatever.
just wanted to make sure that you all know that i want to answer your entries and all, but i simply cant.

love and cookies,
fresh

since my hangover starts to drain a little bit i thought i could spread the word and show you that, yes, in fact, canada is a great land.

sorry, i really can´t translate the following thing right now :)


In Kanada wurde die Ehe für gleichgeschlechtliche Paare geöffnet, nachdem Höchstgerichte in mehreren Provinzen das diesbezügliche Eheverbot für verfassungs- bzw. menschenrechtswidrig befunden hatten.
Des weiteren wurde auch in Südafrika die Einschränkung der Ehe auf eine ‚Verbindung zwischen Mann und Frau‘ als verfassungswidrig beschlossen und dem Gesetzgeber aufzutragen, die Ehe-Definition innerhalb eines Jahres auf ‚eine Verbindung zweier Personen‘ zu ändern.
Trotzdem nehmen sich nur wenige Länder ein Beispiel und werten die Verbindung zweier Menschen gleichen Geschlechtes nach wie vor als ‚annerkannte Lebenspartnerschaft´, oder ‚eingetragene Partnerschaft´ ab.
Österreich selbst zeigt nicht einmal dieses Mindestmaß und beschneidet damit auf ganz legalem Weg die Grundrechte der Bürger.
Müssen in Österreich erst Zustände wie bei den Frauenbewegungen 1909 -vor knapp einhundert Jahren- herrschen, bis annerkannt wird, dass die ehe zwischen gleichgeschlechtlichen Personen nicht weniger wert ist als das Recht der Frau zu wählen, das Recht seine Meinung frei zu äußern oder die im Gesetzt gebundene Freiheit seine Religion für sich selbst zu bestimmen?
Die unglaubliche Diskriminierung die durch unsere Gesetzte stattfindet beschneidet den freien Willen.
Es ist ein Kampf um Gleichberechtigung und Akzeptanz, doch Österreich scheint nicht Willens einen Finger zu rühren.
Österreich, ein Land, dass jede Idee aufgreift, ob nützlich oder nicht sei dahingestellt, weigert sich strickt eine Gesetzesänderung vor zu nehmen.
Wenn Belgien, die Niederlande, Südafrika, Spanien, Kanada und der US-Bundesstaat Massachusetts dies schaffen, wieso kann Österreich seine veralteten Gesetze nicht ebenso neu und menschenrechtsfreundlicher gestalten?
An manchen Tagen geniere ich mich aus einem Land wie diesem zu kommen.


Okay, this didn´t helped my headache at all.
i just felt the bitter need to say this and i hope you will agree with me.
i am not homosexual myself but goddammit, a homosexual person is a human being and should be allowed to merry if they want to. austria is praising itself with modern bullshit singalong trash and can´t even accept that a gay men or a lesbian woman is a human being and should have all the rights of a "normal" couple.
oh fuck, i this coutry is retarded. -.-
this year the GLSEN day of silence is on the 25th april.
every year i keep my vow to stay silent for a whole 24 hours, witch usually is the 18th of april. i am considering either being on both or just the 18th silent, it is my tradition. the date has a strong meaning to me, so i will see what i really gonna do.

i wish ya all a great time.
xoxo,
fresh

i finally found the setlist for the him gig in vienna, gasometer 11-03-08.

1.Passion's Killing Floor
2.Right Here In My Arms
3.WIngs Of A Butterfly
4.Buried Alive By Love
5.Wicked Game
6.Kiss Of Dawn
7.Poison Girl
8.Your Sweet 666
9.Dead Lover's Lane
10.Join Me
11.Sleepwalking Past Hope
12.Killing Loneliness
13.Soul On Fire
14.Bleed Well
15.Funeral Of Hearts

it was so great, i swear to got, the best night of my year :) i guess even better than just the best night of the year XD

i haven´t slept in two days and i am really just down and out right now. i am so tired that i don´t even feel like being able to stand on my own two feet anymore, and at the same time i do not want to sleep at all.
whatever.

it has been an eternity since i last heared of you. i miss you, and i am still here. i am proud, because you are getting your life in your own hands, and in the same time it fucking hurts, because you are not around anymore. never.
just know that i miss you, and that i am still here, waiting, and hopeing -wishing, that you are happy.

feel hugged and supported.
sincerely,
fresh

hi everybody.
i noticed that i haven´t made a real entrie in forever.

it is raining right now, and it is storming and the sky is really dark, and it looks beautiful.
and i wanted to use that opportunity to thank you.
a thank you to everyone who is comeing by and taking the time to read or comment my bullshit and being there.
you have no idea how much you mean to me, and i want you to know that it makes me really happy and proud to know someone like you.

i really wanna make a change in my life.
the ski-season in almost over now, so there will be a change in my life and i will have to look out for a new job.
i have, honestly, no clue what it is going to be, but i know one thing: i do not want a usual job.
i don´t wanna sit in a store selling groceries, i don´t want to waste my time by answering phonecalls or running around and handing random people letters and flyer on the street. i don´t know what i can do with my life from this point on, but i wanna make something unusual.
every job is changeing something, is importened in its own way, but i wanna make something that is importened for me, as selfish as that sounds, a job that makes me happy and not just kills my nerves.
i am afraid to waste my time, my life right now and i feel like loseing myself, but maybe i need that in order to become somebody i am not yet able to be.
so, maybe i will do nothing at all, we´ll see.

thank you again for being there, being the person you are and just being beautiful.
xoxo

Pic one or more answer/s.

What is your favorite genre of music?
[ ] TECHNICOLOR POGO PUNK ALL THE WAY!
[ ] I like Chopin and Bizet, and the songs of yesterday, string quartets, and Polynesian carols.
[x] Rock 'n roll owns your soul, motherfucker.
[ ] Britney Spears is still cool...right?
[ ] I listen only to the sound of dripping taps. Any other music is disgustingly inferior.
[ ] "Stop freakin'! Call Beacon!"

What are your hobbies?
[ ] I enjoy watching Martha Stewart, pressing flowers, and reading homo-erotic prison fiction.
[x] I BUY COOKIE I EAT COOKIE HAPPY COOKIE.
[ ] I like to play ding-dong-ditch in gated communities.
[ ] Ugh! Hobbies? How PRIMITIVE.
[ ] I spend all my time building scenes from Flash Gordon small enough to fit in the eye of a sewing needle. Also I keep scrapbooks. Wanna see pictures of my trip to Wyoming?
[x] My hobby is...KICKING SERIOUS ASS, BITCH!

What are your thoughts on socks?
[x] tHey aRe LYkE gLoVeS 4 uR fEeT!!!
[ ] Socks are what motorfatties wear with their sandals.
[ ] HAH! These foolish socks think they are strong enough to hold my feet within their argyle-print cotton walls. Well, THEY AREN'T!
[ ] They cover the awful rash I have between my toes. Seriously. It's all scabby and scaly and red and it flakes and sometimes pus squirts out of it. It's really unpleasant.
[x] I prefer to go barefoot and let my feet commune with nature.
[ ] If you try to walk on coal your socks will burn up, and that will be another eight dollars wasted at Old Navy.

How do you usually introduce yourself?
[ ] Please allow me to introduce myself. I'm a man of wealth and taste. Well not really, I usually just eat inexpensive fried cheese snacks.
[ ] Foul demon, get thee hence! I cast FIREBALL and decrease your HP by 15!
[ ] ^______________^
[ ] Under Meghan's law, I am required to tell you that...
[x] Do you want I play for you the gee-tar?
[ ] My name is Bertha. I'm quite pleased to meet you. Have you met my husband, John? He's a dentist.

What is, in your opinion, the best breakfast ever?
[ ] GLASS. CRUSHED GLASS.
[ ] I love crepes suzette. It's simply MARVELOUS. Why, I would go so far as to call it ambrosia.
[ ] An economy-sized bag of generic potato chips, with whip cream and a mango on top.
[ ] Sometimes when I'm nervous I chew on my toenails.
[ ] I like my breakfast like I like my women: dripping fat and butter.
[x] A stylish coffee bought stylishly at a stylish cafe near my stylishly decorated stylish condominium.

If you happened to find a hundred dollars laying in the street, what would you do with it?
[ ] I would go to Dick's and buy as many burgers as I could, then eat it all in front of hungry homeless people.
[ ] What else would I do with it, you degenerate, other than turn it over to the police and hope they found the rightful owner? I swear, people these days...
[x] The answer is simple: I would buy a box of kittens.
[ ] Haha, foolish sucka. A super-detective like me could locate the owner in seconds and net a reward that was twice the amount of the money in question!
[x] BUY OVERALLS FOR MY COW.
[x] My heart, bursting with kindness as it is, would inspire me to open a shelter for abused clownfish.

This is the last question. How does this make you feel?
[x] Cool as a cucumber, honeybunch.
[ ] ANGRY LIKE A BOX OF USED DICTIONARIES.
[ ] I can't feel, I'm on Zoloft. :)
[ ] Wow! What a GREAT yard!
[x] I ain't answering to no hoity-toity trouser-wearin' book-readin' hypnotist.
[ ] Damn you. Now I've gone and soiled myself!

i just got a mail telling this story. no, it is no fake, we are that sick in the head.

-------Originalmeldung-------
>
> Herbert KOHLBACHER
>
> Polizeiinspektion Mürzzuschlag
>
> K R I M I N A L D I E N S T
>
> 8680 Mürzzuschlag, DDr.-Alfred-Schachner-Platz 3
>
> Bezirk Mürzzuschlag, Steiermark
>
> TelNr. 059133/6250-125  FaxNr. 059133/6250-109
>
> E-Mail: herbert.kohlbacher02@polizei.gv.at
>
>
> An alle Freunde:
> Es gibt immer mehr  "IRRE"  auf dieser Welt!
> Unten erhaltene Info bitte lesen und weiterleiten!
>
>
> Durchlesen und weiterleiten!!! Wichtig!!!! Dies ist kein Scherz!!!!!
>
> Dies hat sich in einem Kino in Wien ereignet. Vor einigen Wochen hat 
> sich in einem Kino eine Person auf etwas Spitzes gesetzt, das sich auf 
> einem der Sitze befand. Als Sie sich wieder aufgerichtet hat, um zu 
> sehen, um was es sich handelte, da hat sie eine Nadel gefunden, die in 
> den Sitz gestochen war mit einer befestigten
> Notiz:
>
>      "Sie wurden soeben durch das HIV infiziert".
>
>
>      Das Kontrollzentrum der Krankheiten berichtet über mehrere 
> ähnliche Ereignisse kürzlich vorgekommen in mehreren anderen Städten. 
> Alle getesteten Nadeln SIND HIV positiv. Das Zentrum berichtet, dass 
> man auch Nadeln in den Geldrückgabe-Aussparungen von öffentlichen 
> Automaten (Billette, Parking, etc.)gefunden hat.
> Sie bitten jeden, extrem vorsichtig zu sein in solchen Situationen. 
> Alle öffentlichen Stühle müssen mit Wachsamkeit und Vorsicht vor 
> Gebrauch untersucht werden. Eine peinlich genaue sichtliche Inspektion 
> sollte ausreichen. Außerdem fordern sie jeden auf, allen Mitgliedern 
> Ihrer Familie und Ihrer Freunde diese Nachricht zu übermitteln.
>      Danke.
>
>     Dies ist sehr wichtig!!!
>
>      Denk, dass du ein Leben retten kannst, indem du diese Nachricht 
> weiter verteilst. BITTE nimm dir einige Sekunden
>      deiner Zeit, um die Mitteilung zu lesen und weiterzuleiten.
>
>
>     LKA
>      Öffentlichkeitsarbeit
>
>      Freundliche Grüße
>      O.Ö. Gebietskrankenkasse
>     FORUM GESUNDHEIT

translated: somebody is pulling used needles into the seats 
in the cinema,at moneymachines and all that shit, that way, 
infekting people with HIV. 
yes baby, i love austria[note: love as in hate], 
thats so retarded. 

hi everybody.
i saw that the beautiful softballie updated her journal, and that the awsome ele also made a new post and i haven´t answered them yet, and i dont quite know if i will find the .. well rather the mood than the time for it. i don´t want to make shitty comments so i am not going to answer them just out of an impulse.

okay, thats basically it. i hope everybody is okay (oh yeah, and i also didn´t answer the comment i got on my picspam, sorry bout that^^) and happy and enjoy their lives. i hope you keep up with everything that is going on at the moment and that you don´t get any problems that might tear you down. i hope you will keep on doing whatever you do as long as it makes you happy, and if it don´t then stop doing it.
so, what that means is: keep on living.
yeah, im melancholical today.

love, fresh

This is dedicated to the lovely feralcatgoddess   who is in this test evil-cute.
let m assure you, you are cute-cute lol

so i thought i´d make this test as well, and this is what came out:



Underwear Cute
Your personality proves to be so randomly cute that you'd wear underwear on your head just because you can. Let's just hope there clean...How do you compare?
Take this test! | Tests from Testriffic

its not like i never had any kind of underwear on my head just because i felt like it, i just think its not very nice to.... watch me at home I(
im scared now...
lol

xoxo, FreshXD
Those are the results of christian. i wanna totally hug him now! AWWWW!

Odd Cute Your just a bit odd, but its still cute. I would totally give you a hug.. but I don't trust strangers.

How do you compare? Take this test! | Tests from Testriffic

Everybody who is celebrateing Christmas or has Holidays, have a great time.
i wish you all the best, enjoy your life and celebrate the end of the year.
I wish you all to have a great time and an even greater year.

love,
freshxd

this idea came me and my mate late last night when we were watching tv.
we took german childrens-songs and put my favorite band HIM in them

i just wanted to come by and tell ya that i will be away for quite some time due to my fucked up laptop who i have to get to repair.
that sucks, belive me.

*hug* gonna miss ya! i already do ^^*

luv ya
freshxd